“Wonder is the heaviest element on the periodic table. Even a tiny fleck of it stops time.” – Diane Ackerman
It’s been two weeks since I’ve returned from the Lonergan Epic Road Trip. This will be my last post for the time being, a period at the end of a very long sentence. It has been challenging to re-insert myself into a life that was frozen in time. It’s as if I pressed the pause button and surreptitiously slipped out of the room for three months. I’ve quietly returned only to press the play button as I step neatly back onto the treadmill. I’m not sure if I expected anything to be different, in fact, I may have been taken aback if they were. After all, it’s the comforts of sameness and familiarity that called to me in those moments on the road when I felt adrift or lonely.
Those first few days back I drifted through my moments feeling numb. There were mundane things to be done, bills and laundry. And annoying chores that come with ownership of material goods, a broken humidifier, a flooded car that looked like a petrie dish, a broken window. It was good to have those things to focus on. I took satisfaction in long hot showers, my own cozy bed, cooking and creating sumptuous aromas with beef stews and Indian curries.
Admittedly, I was dismayed that we were thrust into the chaos and commercialism of the holidays so soon upon return. I’m a lover of traditions but I hadn’t the slow run up to the season one gets used to when things rev up after Halloween. I’d been off hiking in mountains when the first jingle hit the airwaves, exploring backroads when the garish store displays went up. I sound like a Christmas grump. Honestly, I am just late to the party. I’m catching up to the merry and the jolly, and it’s a little disconcerting. So I decorated my home, made a few forays into local shops for gifts. I’m coming around, but I have to say, the wilderness is calling and it is hard to resist.
Then there is the sudden shift in how much time Mark and I spend together. We spent every hour of the day for three months in close proximity to one another. Conversation would flow about everything under the sun, many times we walked in silence listening to the sounds of our hiking boots and the unison of our breathing. We slept within inches of one another in a tiny space, moving in tandem with each others nocturnal stirrings. Now, we are restructuring our lives to seeing each other over the evening meal, watching Netflix together, sharing conversation before turning in. Our moments of companionship have been severely curtailed. There are hours of our days where we are unaware of each other’s doings, each others thoughts. It’s the way of modern life, the way we have always lived. Busy and fitting each other in in the off hours. I like having time in my day to myself now, but I also feel some sadness at the loss of intimacy this trip afforded us. Several people have asked,”what is good for your marriage?” Let me put it this way. Each of us were afforded the opportunity do pursue this gift of freedom as we saw fit. Each of us found wonder in what spoke to us indivdsually.
Here’s the thing. Three months spent among the gorgeous landscapes of our country does a lot towards clarifying what is integral to a good life. I have realized that the road subtly worked magic on me. My physical and mental health improved from day one. Hiking every single day, breathing fresh air, using all my senses to engage with the natural world made me strong and vigorous. I began to live in a rhythm with the natural cycles of the day. The impact of living in sync with the world had a remarkable effect on my psyche. My mind was clear, my creativity began welling up unfettered, I began to feel a deep connection to the earth, to the trees, to those I met who shared in my newfound passion. I’d tapped into that space in me that yearned for the poetry of places. Music and the written word resonated with an intentional beauty. Food tasted pure and nourishing after long walks in the woods. Sleep came easily and if the sounds of wolves or elk awoke me in the dead of night, I was called to listen to the night world I could never see or experience. It may sound like I am romanticizing my time out there but I assure you that these wondrous things were part of the epic scale of the trip, unplanned for gifts that arrived daily and without provocation.
For the first time in my life, I can say I caught a plaintive glimpse of where bliss can be found. It’s in me always, I just need the natural alchemy of wind and sky to nourish me and allow that joy to bloom.
I had a conversation with a friend today that lended clarity to some of what I have been feeling this last week. When I was on the road, my roles, responsibilities and expectations fell away in an instant, like a heavy cloak I’d been wearing cheerfully(and sometimes resentfully, let’s be real) for the last few decades. I love some of the roles I have; mother, friend, partner. I’ve shouldered responsibilities like the rest of you, with workmanship, duty, loyalty, and many times with enthusiasm. I’ve accepted the expectations that come with relationships and work, though I’ve chafed at times under the yoke they at times seemed to impose.
Something happened to me on the road. I had no role(other then navigator, which I relished). I had no responsibilities other then to take care of myself. I had no expectations from anyone. Wow. As I write that, I tear up. It had been so very long that I lived and operated in a world where nothing was expected of me that I was not prepared for the utter joy this freedom allowed me. In practical terms, this meant that I could make decisions based on what I wanted to do. (Yes, Mark was there but this just shows you what good travel partners we are, there was plenty of space for mutual decision-making but neither of us were stuck on concrete plans). I spoke to and made friends with many people and the interactions were based on new interpretations of who I was. There were no notions of what formed me or how my career or life choices had labelled me. I met each one of these folks as a brand new person. It was exhilarating and powerful. Who was I without the myriad invisible labels that come with a life? Every day I woke up to a clean slate where I could choose my path, literally. As each day unfolded, I steered in to the freedom and serendipity it brought. I’m not sure in all my life I have experienced such transcendence.
I’m humbled by the gifts I have been given. I’m grateful for home and hearth, for my return to community and friendships. I look forward to enjoying the great gifts of rootedness and involvement in the place I make my home. But. I feel the call. It’s there even now. The quiet and independent voice in my head is plotting a return to the cathedrals of my rebirth. The need to wander is stronger then ever. I hope, dear reader, you will wander with me on my next adventure. Stay tuned.
